Solid Head

      There in the world of men exists times when one truly wonders what the sole purpose of an action that was once committed , as a juvenile come back to look down at him . In a view that the person atone's himself as he progresses to understand the nothingness that he can accomplish and that the only constant one can possibly conclude would be a change , and the recurrent mistakes that he would make , deeming that he would not make any . Men , like you and me , the patriarchy if you may , I speak of it since I am one , and I choose to reflect my view as I see it . Yes men have an order and the order exists no matter what the world calls it . But in my defense I do not speak of patriarchy as an accolade, rather as an inheritances that is imbibed into men by  forefather's and their forefathers. This is the preordained limits that are drawn by men , aged and graced with the grey of experience. Yes one can not make all the mistakes and the finer one's learn from the mistakes of the others he meets in his journey through the short history he marks in time . But this order is highly corrupted in my view , it only prevents the younger ones to differ from the grounds where their father had failed and take a route alternate and never through the tempest . 
    Why is it so true that the leadership is not a patriarchal right and that there is no family which would produce only leaders ? A very few can answer that , and I am not among those . I can only question , not because I seek answers , but because I want to improve my understanding of the order so that I can omit making a few wrong calls and make newer mistakes . 
   None can confess making no mistake , that is not how things are preordained , but when can we choose which was a mistake which thought us a lesson and which was a mistake that makes us regret . How often do we make a call that close , and more how often do we tell our children to choose which mistakes they should consider to make . 
           Well of of this sounds like a very simple man thinking and is most certainly is , there is one genuine need, to make mistakes that teach and to refrain from those that are a regret . 

Knight of Destiny

                  "My hatred is sharpened to a finer blade my lady . I will avenge my fears and shine brighter . " This is how all of it began , I wondered often in my early era about the destiny that I shalt find and make glory linger around my name . I ,  ambitious native of the land of dreams and with the compulsions that have grown into me soon began to crawl their way to obsession and then I entered a dimension which was obsolete , grey and deceptive . My capabilities to think and wonder had turned greater than I had ever thought in a short span of time and more than that what mattered was that these where not productive nor native to my school of thought ,. these where  wild and boundless . I couldn't contain them. So afraid that I was , I went back to the one place which had often been a protective zone , always , my mother . I told her in a whisker that I was uncomfortable and in deep thought  but how could I explain the wilderness of my thoughts, so the details where isolated into my memory to be written some day . The repercussions of the deed which I could commit , would commit sent a shock down my spine, I never committed any though  . 
                        Wow ! even the thought of the feeling is so fresh that i can feel the past winter over my neck and the sweat on my forehead and the though of I being judged if one would know about my thoughts . The pretentious existences , the fake smiles and the gauging of reactions so I can imitate how I should act . Not that I have been in an emotion free home but to the contrary there was freedom to express and the power to attain , even then the feeling of being unable to be genuine and being lost in the thoughts of my own made me a loner in a way that a crowd would be around me and I a part of the crowd but my participation was to refrain from being identified as a loner . I knew I was a loner , I just didn't want any one else to know who I have become . 
   After all that I was going through , there was no recluse and the point of leverage was closing in . I was reaching my brink and I was to break . Then I went back to my self to decide, should I be what i fear the most or should i keep running . I was tired of running , and I knew deep down that I would never flee a battle . So in view to deal with my self I called upon all my eminent fears and I started to question my stands. This took time , lot of time , a slow grilling process and when i had completed sorting differences I had with myself , I dealt with my primal sense and my evolved sense with one deed . "I feed on smoke and dine on indecisiveness , you cant take whats mine and I wont take what is your . " Once this state of mind fell into place everything looked doable .
    Indeed , the sound of the solution was sweet but the way I would implement it , how would i standardize whats right and whats wrong ? How can I make a judgmental decision ? All I can add is, when such fears are your domicile, your morality and the principles your folks imbibed into you are not in question , because they don't really help , rather they make the choice even tougher. At that moment after all the thought I could put in , I would sleep with out any solution , but after one point when I was on a stairway I just told myself out of sheer friction and static inertial stagnation of feelings and impounding agony that followed after an offensive statement about new defenseless me from a pally offender that "  I am not concerned about being right , I would rather do whats right than worry about being right . " 
Move on that's what mattered . 

Mind over matter , I had heard that , well i had heard a lot of things , tried reading books ,  and even tried reading sermons from the renowned scholars . I could only think that there is no going back now , and I ll be the way I am for the rest of my life , I said to myself , " Rejoice that you have a conscious , indeed there are times when your feelings would destitute you , but you have to endure , each crust will end in a trough . you will keep the spirit high , slowly and painfully , what you pretend,is what you become  " good thought , scholarly . The precise timing for scholarship, exactly when you don't need it . 
       There are dark times when I feel the force of motionlessness  , and the feeling is very close to the feeling I count upon as the pain of approaching death . The fury that rages with me is misdirected often , as I , as humans have a tendency to blame, something, someone , some time or some place . But i decided not to play the game of blame and I recon the understanding that there exists parts of my personality in the crevasses of the darkness that have little in common with me , the grey phantom as I want to call it , a discretion that exists in every option and an opinion , I think there are times when one decides to put in a very hectic effort to climb down the ladder and reach the abyss of his own dwelling , upon reaching there  when there is an encounter of your self with thy self is there a better option than to fright and flee ? who does one fight , himself there ?  It is  indeed during this time that one acknowledges that there what meets the eye is the tip of the iceberg , what the world frames an opinion about is the tip and  not the mighty crust of compressed and packed matter below the serene calm of expression . And now the as I think , of this paraphrase I in a sublime way begin to realize that  I have not been aware of who makes who , the dark phantom is my creation or am I created by the phantom as a mask to make abiding palatable ?