"My hatred is sharpened to a finer blade my lady . I will avenge my fears and shine brighter . " This is how all of it began , I wondered often in my early era about the destiny that I shalt find and make glory linger around my name . I , ambitious native of the land of dreams and with the compulsions that have grown into me soon began to crawl their way to obsession and then I entered a dimension which was obsolete , grey and deceptive . My capabilities to think and wonder had turned greater than I had ever thought in a short span of time and more than that what mattered was that these where not productive nor native to my school of thought ,. these where wild and boundless . I couldn't contain them. So afraid that I was , I went back to the one place which had often been a protective zone , always , my mother . I told her in a whisker that I was uncomfortable and in deep thought but how could I explain the wilderness of my thoughts, so the details where isolated into my memory to be written some day . The repercussions of the deed which I could commit , would commit sent a shock down my spine, I never committed any though .
Wow ! even the thought of the feeling is so fresh that i can feel the past winter over my neck and the sweat on my forehead and the though of I being judged if one would know about my thoughts . The pretentious existences , the fake smiles and the gauging of reactions so I can imitate how I should act . Not that I have been in an emotion free home but to the contrary there was freedom to express and the power to attain , even then the feeling of being unable to be genuine and being lost in the thoughts of my own made me a loner in a way that a crowd would be around me and I a part of the crowd but my participation was to refrain from being identified as a loner . I knew I was a loner , I just didn't want any one else to know who I have become .
After all that I was going through , there was no recluse and the point of leverage was closing in . I was reaching my brink and I was to break . Then I went back to my self to decide, should I be what i fear the most or should i keep running . I was tired of running , and I knew deep down that I would never flee a battle . So in view to deal with my self I called upon all my eminent fears and I started to question my stands. This took time , lot of time , a slow grilling process and when i had completed sorting differences I had with myself , I dealt with my primal sense and my evolved sense with one deed . "I feed on smoke and dine on indecisiveness , you cant take whats mine and I wont take what is your . " Once this state of mind fell into place everything looked doable .
Indeed , the sound of the solution was sweet but the way I would implement it , how would i standardize whats right and whats wrong ? How can I make a judgmental decision ? All I can add is, when such fears are your domicile, your morality and the principles your folks imbibed into you are not in question , because they don't really help , rather they make the choice even tougher. At that moment after all the thought I could put in , I would sleep with out any solution , but after one point when I was on a stairway I just told myself out of sheer friction and static inertial stagnation of feelings and impounding agony that followed after an offensive statement about new defenseless me from a pally offender that " I am not concerned about being right , I would rather do whats right than worry about being right . "
Move on that's what mattered .
Wow ! even the thought of the feeling is so fresh that i can feel the past winter over my neck and the sweat on my forehead and the though of I being judged if one would know about my thoughts . The pretentious existences , the fake smiles and the gauging of reactions so I can imitate how I should act . Not that I have been in an emotion free home but to the contrary there was freedom to express and the power to attain , even then the feeling of being unable to be genuine and being lost in the thoughts of my own made me a loner in a way that a crowd would be around me and I a part of the crowd but my participation was to refrain from being identified as a loner . I knew I was a loner , I just didn't want any one else to know who I have become .
After all that I was going through , there was no recluse and the point of leverage was closing in . I was reaching my brink and I was to break . Then I went back to my self to decide, should I be what i fear the most or should i keep running . I was tired of running , and I knew deep down that I would never flee a battle . So in view to deal with my self I called upon all my eminent fears and I started to question my stands. This took time , lot of time , a slow grilling process and when i had completed sorting differences I had with myself , I dealt with my primal sense and my evolved sense with one deed . "I feed on smoke and dine on indecisiveness , you cant take whats mine and I wont take what is your . " Once this state of mind fell into place everything looked doable .
Indeed , the sound of the solution was sweet but the way I would implement it , how would i standardize whats right and whats wrong ? How can I make a judgmental decision ? All I can add is, when such fears are your domicile, your morality and the principles your folks imbibed into you are not in question , because they don't really help , rather they make the choice even tougher. At that moment after all the thought I could put in , I would sleep with out any solution , but after one point when I was on a stairway I just told myself out of sheer friction and static inertial stagnation of feelings and impounding agony that followed after an offensive statement about new defenseless me from a pally offender that " I am not concerned about being right , I would rather do whats right than worry about being right . "
Move on that's what mattered .
Mind over matter , I had heard that , well i had heard a lot of things , tried reading books , and even tried reading sermons from the renowned scholars . I could only think that there is no going back now , and I ll be the way I am for the rest of my life , I said to myself , " Rejoice that you have a conscious , indeed there are times when your feelings would destitute you , but you have to endure , each crust will end in a trough . you will keep the spirit high , slowly and painfully , what you pretend,is what you become " good thought , scholarly . The precise timing for scholarship, exactly when you don't need it .
There are dark times when I feel the force of motionlessness , and the feeling is very close to the feeling I count upon as the pain of approaching death . The fury that rages with me is misdirected often , as I , as humans have a tendency to blame, something, someone , some time or some place . But i decided not to play the game of blame and I recon the understanding that there exists parts of my personality in the crevasses of the darkness that have little in common with me , the grey phantom as I want to call it , a discretion that exists in every option and an opinion , I think there are times when one decides to put in a very hectic effort to climb down the ladder and reach the abyss of his own dwelling , upon reaching there when there is an encounter of your self with thy self is there a better option than to fright and flee ? who does one fight , himself there ? It is indeed during this time that one acknowledges that there what meets the eye is the tip of the iceberg , what the world frames an opinion about is the tip and not the mighty crust of compressed and packed matter below the serene calm of expression . And now the as I think , of this paraphrase I in a sublime way begin to realize that I have not been aware of who makes who , the dark phantom is my creation or am I created by the phantom as a mask to make abiding palatable ?
There are dark times when I feel the force of motionlessness , and the feeling is very close to the feeling I count upon as the pain of approaching death . The fury that rages with me is misdirected often , as I , as humans have a tendency to blame, something, someone , some time or some place . But i decided not to play the game of blame and I recon the understanding that there exists parts of my personality in the crevasses of the darkness that have little in common with me , the grey phantom as I want to call it , a discretion that exists in every option and an opinion , I think there are times when one decides to put in a very hectic effort to climb down the ladder and reach the abyss of his own dwelling , upon reaching there when there is an encounter of your self with thy self is there a better option than to fright and flee ? who does one fight , himself there ? It is indeed during this time that one acknowledges that there what meets the eye is the tip of the iceberg , what the world frames an opinion about is the tip and not the mighty crust of compressed and packed matter below the serene calm of expression . And now the as I think , of this paraphrase I in a sublime way begin to realize that I have not been aware of who makes who , the dark phantom is my creation or am I created by the phantom as a mask to make abiding palatable ?
